Naturally Optimistic

Gosh I have been doing so poorly at this NaBloPoMo thing. Blah. I mean, yeah, I've technically posted every day but they have been lame. There is just so much going on right now that I can't even take time to sit down and compose a decent sentence in my head. So many (bad) things that I can't even write about. So much heart break & devastation to come in the near future. So many questions unanswered. Things we never have had to ponder we are pondering. And while most of them are not super-directly related to us, they do hit pretty close to home. Things happening that make you grateful for what you have while all the time wondering how tenuous can things in life actually be (answer: very). Wondering how & why things have gotten to be how they are. If there are any solutions? What will things look like a year from now? It's overwhelming at the least. And then there are stupid financial things that we're dealing with. Too many bills. Not enough money. Won...

Not having a wonderful day. Annoyed at many things - I broke my sewing machine...well, I think I just 'put it back together' incorrectly & I have a lot of projects I'd like to be working on; I cannot find my wallet which I think August removed from my purse back on Wednesday (lovely); I cannot find my sewing machine manual; I need a bunch of car repairs - some of which because a certain someone who I live with (not to name names) happened to run over one of our little patio tables with it the other night & now I have no capacity to retain windshield wiper fluid. Oh and I need to have my fillings replaced. Wheeeeeee! ** To top it off, our babysitter that we had lined up for tonight so that we could just go out & get a burger & a drink in peace, cancelled about 45 minutes before we were supposed to pick her up. This set Dahlia OFF - she was sad & mad & "frustrated" & "angry" that she wasn't going to get to play with our ba...

So August (aka Mr. Fussypants) has gone from being a totally mellow baby (first two weeks) to someone who's....not so mellow. Someone who's fussy & who toots (a lot); someone who isn't content to be held, rocked, swaddled, left alone, bounced, driven around in the car, etc. Yesterday he screamed, for several hours, until I nearly lost my head. Luckily I'm friends with my pediatrician & she'll answer my barrage of questions over Facebook. She suggested that perhaps he has a sensitivity to dairy. Argh! So, I'm trying to be dairy free (or WAAAAY less dairy) & we've switched him to some soy formula for when we supplement him. I *think* it might be helping - at least today he didn't scream the whole time I was driving to the grocery store, he was mellow IN the store & is currently napping. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE improvement to yesterday's situation. So we'll see. Sadly, I love cheese. All I can think about is how I can't EAT chee...

So I got home last night from Minneapolis and was exhausted. I went to bed almost immediately. I woke up at 2:30 with terrible stomach cramps...followed by...nastiness (I won't go into detail). Ugh. My back aches & my stomach has continued to cramp throughout the day. I'm pretty sure I picked up a bug...somewhere. Maybe it's Dalhia's that she had earlier this week. It sucks. I have been miserable all day. Mostly I've just laid around while trying to 'entertain' Dahlia. Thank god for PBS. Also - thank god she took a 2 1/2 hour nap. So did I. I hope this goes away quickly. My stomach feels *okay* for the most part but my back continues to ache and make me feel gross. My stomach is growling - I haven't eaten in over 24 hours so I am going to do that now. Oh - I got my Cricut yesterday...I feel so crappy I haven't even opened it! Sometimes the day you plan is not the day that turns out at all.

My computer died today. As in "can't find your hard drive" died. I'm very, very sad. I only hope that I still have the photos on my camera of Dahlia that I had not yet saved on my work computer. It really REALLY sucks. Not in the budget for a new computer, guess that iPhone is on hold and I will go nuts if I have to work on this DELL for very long. But mostly, sad about my photos. I'm taking it in on Monday, but I'm pretty sure what they're going to say (and then I'll give them $59! Hmph!) :( Feel free to send computer contributions my way.

Do you ever get that "pinched nerve" feeling in your shoulder/neck area? Particularly when you take deep breaths? I have that right now. Started yesterday but overnight became sleep-interrupting pain! This sucks. There is no relief. Is this just me getting old? It hurts to take a deep breath, it hurts to hold it in almost any position. It hurt last night to lay on my left side (the side that hurts), on my back AND on my right side. So yeah, sleep was not good. I can't massage it to make it feel better. I can't do anything! And of course stuff like this always happens when I have a ton of stuff to do. Hmph.

Well, we finally got our SXSW rejection yesterday. One week out from the final notification date. One week! They've been sending rolling rejections out since Nov 16 so being 7 days shy of the final date made us a little optimistic. Probably too optimistic. I'm usually not affected by rejections because I'm so used to them and because I don't actually believe we'll ever get INTO a f'ing festival, but this was different and now I'm paying the price. In reality our little film cannot compete with films that have a budget 10x or 100x what ours was. It might be an "okay" film but it just doesn't have enough production value, sheen, gloss whatever to make it to the next level. That being said, we're still planning on GOING to SXSW to do the networking, schmoozing, guerilla campaigning but I was really hoping that this time we'd be the belle of the ball. Or at least a wallflower. I'm still hoping that at LEAST we get into Fargo for crying ...

Do you ever just feel that like you don't belong.... ANYWHERE? Hmph.

Probably the biggest week of my career thus far, and I have an f'ing cold. A bad one. I don't REMEMBER my last cold. This really sucks. And I think I gave it to the baby. Pooey.

I have a NUBBIN of wifi at the Days Inn I'm at tonight. I can surf blogs okay, get my mac mail but I cannot access Yahoo which is pissing me off. I am tired, but wired. Lonely but relishing my alone time. Wanting to snuggle a husband, a baby, a cat. Instead I have my wifi nubbin. *sigh*

I hate the fact that I am so easily manipulated by other peoples' words. The fact that I can be brought down in the pit of despair over something that I didn't do yet am accused of; of being overlooked as not contributing (enough?); as having situations in my life that make me "unproductive." I don't know whether to cry or scream.

I'm starving and afraid to eat. I guess I will go home and have more cheese, veggies and anything else that I don't have to "count" for my pre-dinner snack. *sigh*

Yesterday I met with the OB Diabetes Clinic staff - well, it FELT like meeting with the whole staff. I was there for 3 1/2 hours. I met with a Diabeteologist, an RN and a Nutritionist. I had a medical history taken, a physical exam, labs ordered, fingers pricked; I was walked through a booklet on what GD is and how it can affect me and Baby B; I learned how to use the blood testing "gear" - the meter and test strips, how to load the lancets into the thing and get them ready for action. I learned how to use the insulin pen, change the needles, etc. We talked about what I eat in a normal day, we talked about what (or how much) I should (can) eat (carbs). We made a "plan." I had three tubes of blood drawn (thyroid okay? vitamin D defincient? and something I can't remember) and then FINALLY I got to leave. It was informative, a bit scary (I REALLY don't want to have to use insulin; I'm a wimp and afraid of stabbing myself in the side), overwhelming, etc. I f...

I don't know why I'm letting this get to me so much. Okay - I sort of know. I'm playing POOR ME. Woe is Me. Blah blah blah - I'm whining. I have a 3 hour doctor's appointment (again!) on Tuesday. That's when they find out my dark & mysterious medical history (um, isn't it in their computers?), give me a physical exam (um, haven't I been doing this for the past 7 1/2 months?), put me on a diet, etc. I'm anxious to go because I want to find out the particulars and what I can do to make sure it doesn't get worse. But I'm irritated. I have not quite gained 20lbs in this pregnancy thus far...which means with 9 1/2 weeks to go - let's say even a pound a week - 30lbs in a pregnancy is right in the middle of "normal" for someone of "normal" size to gain. I don't eat like a pig or a garbage can! I eat a lot of fruits & veggies, sure a lot of carbs too, and the sweets things has just recently kicked in (which is new ...

Today is not good. A day of utter despair and crying-jag-littered emotional messiness. Iko gets worse and worse. We thought he was doing better but now? No eating, very very little water. Mostly sleeping/resting on our bed. It's like waiting for a clock to stop ticking. I am sad for that and other reasons...reasons that I wont' go into but are probably mostly constructed in my head and of things including (but not limited to) family, family visits, business, business partners, house/home, price of gas, NO ONE to talk to during the day amongst other things. *sigh* I'm ready to hit "start over" on today. (but only if the results were much, much different).