I'm not completely crazy....yet

Today is a little bit better...mostly because whenever I have thoughts of THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE I push them out of my head and move on to something else...like washing more bottles. Right now? Little Miss is in the bathroom in her bouncy because she LOVES to fall asleep in there while I take my shower and really? Why should I move her? If she's good, I'm good, right?

As far as the last couple of posts...I don't know what my problem is. I will say it a million times over. It's not that I'm overly worried about housework or that crap - I've never really kept that tidy of a house anyway. It's not that I'm DYING to go back to work - just that I feel pressure to keep things afloat so I can, you know, continue to have an income and not go into the poorhouse. I *don't think* I'm trying to be SuperMom but I'm sure I'm trying a little bit. I think it's a combination of not knowing what I'm doing + not enough sleep + cranky baby (somedays - yesterday - sheesh) + just life changes in general.

I did make a list (Laurie - thanks for the reminder - boy do I love lists!) but it mostly included things like "wash bottles," "make formula," "cry," and "try not to be such a failure"....so I might need some work on that front.

I just feel.....bleh. I look at her and she's beautiful but I don't feel as connected as I should feel. I don't want to put on an act and be all "my baby is the most wonderful thing ever" because...I don't KNOW her. I am sure I will get to that point and I'm sure as soon as she smiles at me or acknowledges that I'm her mama and I can bring her comfort it will change but right now it's just tough.

So many people have said to me over the past weeks that these first 3 months are like torture...or boot camp...or just plain miserable. My Mom, my sister, my friends, my cousins....I guess when I thought about "how hard" being a Mom would be...I didn't really have a clue. I'm geared up for fun learning activities, hikes in the woods, nutritious meals, dressing in silly clothes and dancing in the kitchen...but all this first stuff I sort of suck at. So much for my grand entrance into motherhood.

And she's 3 1/2 weeks early so 3 months is closer to 4 months...*sigh* I will get through it...I know I will I just can't believe how totally lame I am at all of this.

SuperGrandpa (my Dad) is coming up on Sunday for a couple of days and I am THRILLED. He is going to stay with us and even take on some nighttime duty. I may just have to imprison him in our 'office.' I can't wait!

Comments

Kate said…
So glad your dad is coming. What a relief! And a gift as well! And you don't suck at being a mom, you're just new to it. Glad that people told you the truth about new motherhood, it would suck to think that everyone else had it easy as pie. Now you know you're just joining the other moms in the trenches.

Hang in there! You'll make that bond that you're longing for. Don't forget to kiss Steve and let him tell you how great you are! Because you are!
2:56 PM
michelle said…
i feel like i'm learning a ton from you carrie. i'm not a mom yet but definitely plan on it one day. i know i'll go through the same stuff and you'll have to help pull me out if it :)

and - though i'm not a mom - from what i gather from all your other comments - everything you're experiencing is completely normal. everything will come in due time which seems like a lame answer i know. pretty soon she'll wake up and you'll get that first smile and you'll know it was all worth it :)
5:31 PM
Meigan said…
I hope you don't feel bad about whining on your blog or just whining in general. I mean, that's all I ever do! I have a group of online mommies that all had babies in December 2001 - we have seven years (we were on during pregnancy, too) of whine posts! I never would get through this parenting thing if it weren't for them. Hope this blog can do the same for you!!!
1:00 PM
feisty said…
i'm learning from you as well, like michelle said. even though you are not currently convincing me that motherhood is worth it, i look forward to watching this struggle become something you laugh about soon enough....

you'll make it, and we will all be cheering for you meanwhile.
9:22 AM
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