Roller. Coaster.


I am effectively on the post-baby roller coaster of emotions. It's insane and I know it's happening but sometimes get swept up in the ups and downs anyway. Today, for instance I have been at times pleasantly content and things are going smoothly and I can actually think about the future in a very positive light or I can be holding Miss Dahlia on the floor in the living room bawling my eyes out because clearly I am not a good enough mother to have such a precious little daughter.

It's exhausting.

The feeding thing continues to be a challenge. I'm coming up on my 4th day of Reglan and haven't seen an improvement in my milk supply. *sigh* I go in to the LC again tomorrow to have Dahlia weighed & checked out. She has been HUNGRY for days. I can nurse her, supplement her (with either breastmilk or formula and she will be HUNGRY - frantically HUNGRY again in an hour. I am hoping it's because of a growth spurt or something. I hate to see her so agitated all the time. The only thing that calms her (after we check all the other usual suspects - diaper, position, burping, temperature level, boredom, etc) is to eat another ounce. *sigh* Maybe this is good? Okay? I don't know. (that's the thing...so much UNKNOWN). Anyway - clearly my feelings of self-inadequacy are not going anywhere until I a) get some more damn milk or b) come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to get any more milk. I am going back to the endocrinologist on Friday to have my thyroid re-checked (as apparently this can mess with your milk production and I was *borderline* before) and I also have the business card of an accupuncturist (apparently the Chinese believe accupuncture can increase milk supply). Those are the last two things I can think of.

In other news - we traveled to Eveleth yesterday to visit Steve's Great-Aunt Marian. It was her wish (her "life's wish") to see Steve hold his daughter...and she's not in the best of health these days (not "sick" but dying of cancer...does that make sense?) so we wanted to make sure that Marian got to meet Dahlia. Dahlia did very good on the hour long car ride - made nary a peep and was a fairly polite guest until she dropped a very LOUD load while Marian was holding her. Ah well, she gets that from her father.

Comments

Samantha Keown said…
Carrie, firstly I know that you know that what you are going through is normal emotionally regardless of how abnormal it feels. Unfortunately you just have to ride one wave at a time. The sleep deprivation also really does not help with the weepies. Just know that its part of the game and Dahlia has unlocked parts of your heart that you never knew you had. I really think as your friend and someone who cares very much about you that you should try and let the milk thing go a little, even just to bring you some sanity. You can only do what you can do about it and no more. The whole milk thing can make a person crazy. Just give Dahlia whatever she wants or needs (whatever liquid form it has to come in) and once you get a happy comfy baby it should help you relax. I know this is not what you had in mind but that's how parenthood is. We are not in control of these things and make yourself exhausted over it is not what you or Dahlia or Steve for that matter need. I know its hard but this is part of the "work" that people talk about when they talk about raising a child. Reflect on the amazing birth you had with her and how wonderful she is. Focusing on anything else is just not worth your energy. I love you and miss you and wish I could be with you for more support. I think you are doing an excellent job and remember so vividly how terrifying the first child experience was. Miss you
Sam
5:37 PM
michelle said…
..what she said :)

i'm not experienced in anything related to babies but everything she said sounds exactly right :)

you're doing a great job Carrie!
6:38 PM
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