Why is it?

....

yesterday when I posted all those things I want to accomplish or stick to or strive for in 2005 I was so optimistic about everything. I felt great, I felt like I had a plan, I felt awesome. Today I feel like crap. Like none of those things are remotely possible - like the debt of my stupid ridiculous attempt at a career (ie: filmmaking) is a weight that keeps pulling me down and is drowning me. Today I just want to bury my head in the sand and cry....I realize I will get sand in my eyes and that will piss me off but I don't care right now.

All my friends have moved away (or I moved away from them); I have no $ for paying my bills and yet I daydream about going on a vacation (yeah right) - at this rate the Boy will be going without me. I just want to scream and pull out my hair (which naturally looks beyond horrible today) and I don't know. It's all so frustrating. Once again I did what I said I wouldn't do - spent too much on Christmas and now I'll have to pay for it in January - great. My cat's on anti-anxiety medication 'cause I'm obviously a very bad mom so I get to pay for that too while having my cat's personality which I love so much change ever so slightly over this past week. I still haven't finished working on said "film" and will have to deal with that again soon, I suppose....

Blech. That's all just Blech.

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