depressing

I can’t get excited about anything. Well, I can but then I crush those thoughts with other depressing thoughts almost immediately. They range from the “important” to the mundane and silly but alas. I think I’m depressed. It’s very hard for someone who’s “naturally optimistic” to admit that they’re depressed but there it is. Obviously from recent posts that’s fairly easy to ascertain….I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life; I have no friends to hang out with; I work at a soul-sucking day job every day; I’m not being true to who I am; I’ve given up on dreams; I have no money; the film is not turning out how I expected it too – the thought of entering more festivals and facing more rejection is unbearable; I feel like an outsider looking in when I go to theatre events and I feel like that’s the place I should feel the most comfortable of all, etc etc.

I just tried to ‘guesstimate’ my 2004 taxes and I *think* I’m going to end up owing close to $400 this year! WTF? I owed $2300 last year (don’t even ask) and thought wow – this year with the house & only one job and blah blah blah it’ll be so much better. It is a lot better but still…I was hoping for maybe a little refund or perhaps just having to pay in a little bit… It’s all so depressing.

And I feel guilty about feeling depressed. I am so happy with so many aspects of my life and I feel that by me saying/feeling depressed that it takes away from these other aspects. I don’t want that to happen. I am so happy with the Boy and the thoughts of our future; and our little home and the two kitties and being able to enjoy the beautifulness of this area together, and being healthy, and my Dad being healthy, and the rest of my family doing a-okay for that matter….but I still feel….I don’t know…out of my element or something.

I’m reading Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort & Joy which is supposed to help me uncover my authentic self and I sure hope it works. I read it through about March/April when I first got the book as a gift from my Mom – probably 5 or 6 years ago so I’d like to make it all the way through.

Anyway – not to be a big downer or anything – and you know, I’m not. I mean, I am functioning, up to my usual things and fairly pleasant (I think!) to talk to or to hang with…I’m not super mopey, laying on the couch or crying at commercials or anything (okay well, sometimes…but that is just a normal thing for me) but I just feel blah.

Blah.

Maybe I should reintroduce diet coke back into my morning routine….could this be withdrawal?

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