Lake

Sometimes I forget to look at the lake.

It�s right there in front of me. I drive past the bay every day. I park on the bay every day. I �see� the lake from a multitude of vantage points throughout the city�.every day. Yet I don�t look at it; I don�t draw strength or inspiration or stillness from it. I don�t appreciate it. I take it for granted�just about every day.

I get caught up in myself a lot. Worrying about what I�m doing with my life and wondering when I�m going to get over the �I just have to wai til X happens before I make a change.�

X is never going to happen.

Logically I know it�s not going to happen. Whatever �X� is. If it is making a film that brings me fame and money�.if it�s letting go of my �dreams� of being an actor/entertaining people and being able to live off of that�.if it�s just feeling content and happy with myself and what I�ve done and who I�ve become in my life. I�m sick of thinking about it and yet it consumes me every day.

Why can�t I find happiness? For the first time in my (adult) life I feel like things are going in the right direction � I bought a house, I met a fantastic guy, I am digging out of the massive movie-debt�things are going good, right? But what am I DOING with my life? Who am I helping? Inspiring? Nuturing? What is my point? I work at a job every day that is okay � I like the people I work for/with, the work is sometimes fun and stimulating � but most of the time I�m bored outta my gourd and I�m not doing anything. I�m not making those great pieces of art (whatever those are); I�m not singing; I�m not performing; I�m not even contributing to help the world in any way shape or form and that leaves me with profound guilt and sadness.

Argh � this post has turned into a jumble of a bunch of different thoughts that I�ve been trying to process and now sit here in giant incomprehensible heap. The thing is I�m sad. I�m disheartened. I don�t know what to do.

And it�s Thanksgiving � a time to be grateful�and I am but I just think there is more for me out there�.something I should be doing. What is it?!?

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