Naturally Optimistic

Dahlia has been CRANKY today. Wow. Crabby. Tired, Whiny whiny whiny. It's been driving us nuts! We thought it was probably the aftereffects of the Triplets' Third Birthday Party (I know! Can you believe they're 3??). We had a busy day of traveling down to St. Paul & back yesterday...filled with trains, cake, presents, playing with grandparents & cousins, etc. Dahlia slept pretty good in the car & slept til 8:30 this morning, but still we thought it was just lingering tiredness from yesterday. But oh the whining continued. Even after a nap. And a snack. And she didn't want to stay with us outside once it cleared up & got gorgeous out. Oh no. She was determined (& more whiny) to go inside. We were determined to keep her OUTSIDE. Finally Steve gave in & they came in. I was holding her a while ago and realized, DANG she's hot. And yup, she's got a wee fever. Nothing too major but that plus her tiredness/crankiness....perhaps she has a bug. So...

My folks came up this weekend to take on the Dahlia-nator while Steve & I headed up the shore for a much needed break. We left on Saturday afternoon & took a short walk on the SHT at the Split Rock River Loop. Being that I'm starting my 3rd trimester (!!!), had to pee & was cold, our walk was not too long, but it was pretty & good to get fresh air. Then back on the road to Grand Marais. We stayed at the Best Western up there which was really nice! The rooms have very recently been renovated - the theme is obviously Lake Superior & the North Shore as there are granite countertops, the artwork is very Grand Marais-y (rocks, water, etc), even the patterns on the carpet seemed to say something about the lake. We were on the first floor & looked right out onto the beach & lake. Quite lovely. as we entered there was soft jazz playing on the (awesome) Smarter Image clock radio & we were both quite impressed. The bathroom, also rocked. Slate tile, glass door...

Tantrum #1 came when I started getting Dahlia ready for a bath this morning. We usually do baths at nighttime, but I had some plans this evening (that ended up changing...) so I wanted to give her a bath this morning. Well, she wasn't too into that idea and threw a HOLY fit. Wow. WOW. Screaming, crying, thrashing, arching of the back, down on the floor, etc. Getting her into the bathtub was super fun. Then by that point I wasn't giving up so KEEPING her in the bathtub also super fun. Especially once she was all wet & soapy & slippery. By time we got to the hair rinsing part she had calmed a bit but it was truly one of the least fun bathtimes we've had. Ugh. Tantrum #2 came when we were at my office & it was time to leave. It was terribly close to naptime & I really wanted to get her home before she fell asleep (we made it to the garage and THEN she was falling asleep. Ah well, she did nap for 2 hours - thank god). At the office she was a peach, until I said ...

I was just checking out my blog from the first weeks of December 2007. In those last few days of not being a parent. Hearing about the snow & the imminent (two weeks! haha) arrival of our daughter. Being utterly depressed the night before she was born while probably in labor the whole time and then blogging the morning of her birth. That's dedication people! I can't believe she's almost TWO! Good lord! Time flies. I mean, those first few months didn't fly, but overall it flies. I'll have to read up on the aftermath of her arrival and see if I can glean some new insights for after Number 2 arrives (seriously - I need to get this kid a 'nickname.') I love seeing the pics of her little teeny tiny self. Oh my sweet girl. She's a feisty one, that's for sure, and has been from the moment she arrived!

Need I say more? ahhhhhh....babies....

Today is a little bit better...mostly because whenever I have thoughts of THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE I push them out of my head and move on to something else...like washing more bottles. Right now? Little Miss is in the bathroom in her bouncy because she LOVES to fall asleep in there while I take my shower and really? Why should I move her? If she's good, I'm good, right? As far as the last couple of posts...I don't know what my problem is. I will say it a million times over. It's not that I'm overly worried about housework or that crap - I've never really kept that tidy of a house anyway. It's not that I'm DYING to go back to work - just that I feel pressure to keep things afloat so I can, you know, continue to have an income and not go into the poorhouse. I *don't think* I'm trying to be SuperMom but I'm sure I'm trying a little bit. I think it's a combination of not knowing what I'm doing + not enough sleep + cranky baby (someday...

Last night was not good. I think I jinxed myself by asking for 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We switched Dahlia's formula yesterday because we just can't afford to keep her on the liquid kind. Oh I wish we could. So we went from Similac Sensitive RS to Similac Sensitive (no RS). She drank it just fine and had minimal spitting up in the night which was great...but she only slept for about TWO HOURS AT AT A TIME! What's up with that? She would wake up screaming & hungry - well, one time there was a messy diaper.... I thought I would lose my mind last night. Steve had the "night off" as he was exhausted and I was up at 11:45 (went to bed at about 10), 1:30 til 2:20; 4:00 til 5:20 and 6:30!!! WTF? It was awful. My mind is so mushy when the sleep is that little that I get aggravated at her and I know it's not her fault. It is just so hard to go for so long with so little sleep. I fed her at 6:30 and brought her into bed with me...I put her on her tummy (...

When do the smiles come? I need some smiles! I mean I REALLY need some smiles!!!!!

We had a temperature drop of 60 degrees the other day. From midnight to 6am. 60 DEGREES! It went from 40 to -20 in 6 hours. YUCK. No wonder we have ice on the INSIDE of our windows. Ah old houses with crappy windows & no insulation. I'm going to be spending Dahlia's college fund just to heat the place! Ugh. I'm going slightly nuts as we haven't really been able to get out the past couple of days. I need some adult conversation, change of scenery & stimulation. I'm hoping tomorrow the weather will be better but it doesn't sound like it will be *MUCH* better. I long for the days when I can take her for a stroller ride around the block. Something - anything! Different! I'm going nuts here! We did pop out briefly tonight to visit Steve's Great Aunt at a hospice house here in Duluth. It thrilled her that we stopped to visit and that makes me feel warm & fuzzy inside - even if it was only -10 outside. Tomorrow I have a work meeting (at a bar! nice!...

This past weekend was great. My folks got into town around noonish on Friday and came over. My Mom brought FOOD! and supplies! It was awesome. Friday afternoon my Mom & I ran some errands while Dahlia & Grandpa hung out at the house. That night my Mom cooked us enchiladas for dinner while I napped (!) (well, I tried to nap...). Saturday they came over again and watched the little Miss while Steve & I went skiing! I went skiing! I got outside & raised my heart rate & breathed fresh air - awesome! The trail (Piedmont) was in stellar condition and it was a lot of fun. I did wipe out once quite nicely though - doh. While we were gone my Mom dusted (!!) the living & dining room and cleaned the microwave (my microwave is always not clean enough for my Mom!). That evening she cooked again - spaghetti pizza while Steve put together our new shelves in the basement and my Dad was on Dahlia time. Oh I forgot - before dinner my Mom & I went shopping. I got some new NON ...

Well, yesterday marked 6 weeks. 6 weeks of Dahlia's life, 6 weeks of adjusting to parenthood, 6 weeks of stressing about breastfeeding.... I'm letting it go. I have given her what I can and now it's time to step back and not feel guilty about stopping it altogether. Between the nursing (where she's really just comfort sucking), the bottle feeding, the pumping and the stressing it was beginning to consume my life and I need to let it go. I need to not feel guilty about wanting to regain some sanity and some time. I am sad. This is something I really truly deeply wanted and it pains me but at the same time I know I cannot continue like this. I'm trying to make peace with myself and know that Dahlia got some good stuff from me and hopefully that will lay a good foundation for her for her whole life. I did what I could.

I'll blog about something other than Dahlia, my lack of sleep or well, something other than those two. Until then... last night was tough. The Little Miss didn't want to settle down after her 2am feeding. Steve finally gave up and left her to fuss w/her rainfall soother on but that didn't help. I ended up pulling her into bed with me around 3:45 or so so I could just put her nuk back in her mouth if she started fussing without having to give up. I'm sure all of those above statements constitute bad parenting. Ah well - we live and learn. We finally got some sleep this morning for an hour or so after Steve went to work. I felt bad for him. Out snowshoeing through deep snow in frigid cold off trail all day yesterday (working) and then up for most of the night. Today's been up & down mentally. Sometimes I dig it - sometimes I hate it. I go back and forth. I did manage a shower, to throw in laundry and eat 1/2 a lunch. haha. Dahlia's in her "peanut shell...

The appointments went fine yesterday. My 4-week PP appt was not all that exciting except (TMI for some) still dealing with a stubborn stitch and some swelling. Dang. I was hoping everything was done and over with down there. Nope. *sigh* 2-hour Glucose Test was a pain in my ass. I better pass it!! Dahlia's appointment was fine - they prescribed her some some Zantac which we started giving her last night. Not sure if it's working or not yet but we'll see. I hope so! She now weighs 6lbs 10oz which still lands her at the bottom of the curve but I'm glad she's gaining! That's one of the big stressors for me right now! Got a little more sleep last night...mostly while nursing her - we'd both fall asleep and wake up a LOT later. Duh...wish I could be laying down for that! (and no the laying down nursing position doesn't work too well for us...we tried! dang).

Been up since 2:35am... this is going to be a great day.

Time flies, eh? (well, somedays....) The little Miss is one-month today. She wasn't really in the mood for a photo shoot but I got a couple shots off before the screaming commenced. Tomorrow we have appointments! I have my 4-week postpartum appointment + 2 hour glucose tolerance test and Dahlia is going in to get weighed and to be checked out for reflux. I have a feeling there's a reason why we have a mostly agitated baby these days.

Thank you all for your comments yesterday. Obviously I was having a moment (a week?)...I'm not sure that it's over but I'm trying to dig deep and find some perspective. It's a lot easier to do when Steve's around. I dread the fact that tomorrow is Monday and he will be back at work. Pooh. Good things: * I wore my pre-pregnancy Levi's yesterday (and today)! Whohoo! * Steve & I left Dahlia with Grandma B and took a hike for a couple of hours yesterday. It was heavenly. * I pumped my record breastmilk yesterday - 235 (I think) mils. (although today has been very low. Hmph). Thanks for your good wishes & hugs from a far. I can sure use them. I agree with Sarah - they should really teach you more about what to do AFTER the baby comes than delivery/labor (okay, that's important too)...it's much scarier though afterwards!!

And no, I'm not completely crazy...yet. I have a beautiful baby daughter who is incredibly precious to me. I have a husband who is kind and loving and man do I love weekends when he's home. I am grateful for many things...I'm just a bit stressed out right now.

Sometimes I hate my new life. Am I a terrible person?

I'm so frustrated and sad after my appointment at the endocrinologist today. The nurse practitioner came in and said "I had my detectives working on you..." Huh? She said "I don't think you need to be here." I explained that I wanted to have my thyroid re-checked on the advice of the lactation nurses because of my low milk supply. I could tell right away that she thought that idea was wrong. In fact she even said she thought the other nurses were wrong. But after a little chatting she spoke with the endocrinologist who did confirm that he did a full check-up on me in November and that re-checking my thyroid would make sense. Even though the numbers were all in the *normal* levels. Apparently hyPER thyroid could cause supply problems; hyPO thyroid probably not. I have been at one time hyPER and my family is hyPO so who knows what I am. I am in tears because I thought this would be the answer. Get on a pill, start the hormones regulating and la-ti-dah I'm ...

I keep thinking that I am crazy because it takes me 2 hours in the middle of the night to feed my baby. Of course that includes: nursing, supplementing w/bottle (sometimes 2 bottles if my pumped breast milk is inadequate...ahem), changing her diaper, setting her up so she doesn't spit up every where (either holding her, burping her, putting her in the boppy, etc), pumping, cajoling infant back to sleep etc. I LONG for the days (nights) when I can just put her to breast, feed her and be done (well, plus the changing, propping up....). I am just so tired. Tomorrow AM is the dreaded 8:30 appointment - wish me luck! *sorry for being so thoroughly one-note lately...eventually (i hear!) I will get a semblance of my life back.