Naturally Optimistic

I had a moment of profound sadness this morning while lying in bed. I was thinking of my upcoming trip to the grocery store. I was thinking that I am so bored with the current repetoire and I need to try some new recipes. Then I started thinking about my favorite cookbook - Hollyhocks & Radishes. This got me thinking about a conversation I had with my mother-in-law and her sister (my aunt-in-law?) last year about this time. The three of us had begun to meet up a few times, every couple of weeks or so for Happy Hour. It was a fun time when I really felt like I was getting to know the both of them a bit better. On a more personal & adult level. Without husbands, significant others or children around, the conversation was often different and more intimate that I had experienced with these two incredible women before. I enjoyed those times immensely. We started talking about the aforementioned cookbook as Joan (A-I-L) had given it to me at a bridal shower she hosted for me. I...

Ugh - rainy, drizzly, cloudy, cold. It feels more like fall than spring. I'm trying to get motivated to get things picked up and DONE around here, but it's very difficult in the doom & gloom. Blech. I hate it when things get to the "overwhelming point." I don't know what my problem is but I can't seem to get anything ACCOMPLISHED. I think about how great it would be to do this, make that, read this, watch that, exercise, create, etc and instead I don't even know WHAT I do. It gets depressing. The other depressing thing? Why is it that I don't feel like I fit in ANYWHERE. What is up with that? Everywhere I go I feel out of place. WTF? Where did this lack of confidence come from? It's annoying but I am somehow a slave to it. See, blechy weather, blechy attitude. At least I have this week's meal plan done. Something accomplished I guess.

Do you ever just feel that like you don't belong.... ANYWHERE? Hmph.

One (female) should never watch this film while feeling particularly alone, melancholy and drinking wine. *sniff* I am such a sucker and I miss my friends.

Do you ever just feel blechy? Frumpy. Fat. Uncreative. Unproductive. Useless? Not attentive enough where you should be? Overwhelmed. Not with it? Hmmm. Me too.

I have to go out of town tonight for work...and I have to leave Miss Dahlia behind and I'm SAD. :( yeah, Steve & I went to California for a few days in March and I missed her terribly. But that was different. We had each other to commiserate with and to sing her little silly songs to each other, and this will just be me. Blech. Pooey. It's only for about 40 hours but it's enough. I am holding her as much as possible today, smelling her head, making her laugh, squeezing her tight because I won't get to tonight or tomorrow. BOO. I hate it. I wish I could take her with me, but it just doesn't work for this particular project. *sigh* But she and her Daddy will be driving to the Cities to meet me on Saturday for the triplets FIRST BIRTHDAY party! Can you believe it's already been a year?? Lots of photo cuteness to come. In the meantime I will go back to smelling Dahlia's head and holding back my tears. pooh.

Having a few of those days. Blah. Hoping that a few days in sunny CA will help.

Today is one of those days. A day where I laid in bed before getting up with my mind racing with all the things I have to do and all the ways I'm failing at them in my life. Not just baby/parenting stuff but my business stuff, my household stuff (not cleaning - bills, upkeep etc), my wife stuff - it sucks. I feel completely immobilized and totally traumatized by all these THINGS that I need/should/want to be doing. I fear for my company because I have not been good at manning the helm. I miss time spent with my husband and although I know that will change it makes me worried. I have so much to do and can't seem to accomplish one single thing. I think maybe if I were better disciplined I could do it. Or maybe if I were stronger and less whiny I could suck-it-up and get what needs to be done, done...but because I am captain of my own ship these days I just sit here in a whirlpool spinning round and round and not moving anywhere at all. There are undelivered Christmas presents on ...

Probably not the best choice for movie-viewing when you're: 1) feeling rather blue...about life 2) alone with your big ol' pregnant self 3) alone because your husband went out for a beer 4) overly emotional due to said pregnancy hormones But I like Zach Braff, there was good music, good acting, etc. I just didn't love this movie...mostly because of my mental state, I'm sure. I have had this movie at home since October (ah Netflix!) and was ready to send it back though. Now I can move on to my more uplifting choice for this weekend - Pixar's CARS. *sigh* In unrelated news...I hit 1,000 posts yesterday and didn't even notice. Wowsa.

I'm also having issues. *sigh* Big fat depressing thoughts-rolling-around-in-my-brain issues. Issues about futures, happiness, 'what do I want to be when I grow up,' etc and so on...which then leads to guilt, and unfinished Christmas projects, and sleep but sleep is hard to come by so mostly just laying, and drooling - GOOD LORD THE PREGNANCY DROOLING I will not miss. I am in a funk. This year is so weird - I mean "this Christmas season" because Steve & I are so distracted....so preoccupied...not only is the new job kicking his ass (he hasn't had to be on someone else's schedule since before I knew him), but I'm exhausted and there are a million things to do and the house is a disaster and it's all we can do to sit together for 30 minutes before we declare we MUST go to bed and this is BEFORE we even HAVE the new little person in the house. Ay yi yi. I'm sure it's all *normal* and *natural* and "baby cold feet" is probablly wh...

This day is rapidly going down hill. I blame hormones, lack of sugar, insensitivity of certain people and my flu shot. My arm is starting to get sore. And sadly, that is enough to make me cry right now. Hmph.

Nor should you... After feeling like crap this morning and contemplating letting Steve know how truly upset I was with his asshole brother, I decided the only course of action was to email a couple girlfriends, take comfort from your comments on my post and then actually squeak out the words "I'm really upset..." to Steve when I was home at lunchtime. Boy did the floodgates open. I feel sort of bad about how totally hysterical I was but I couldn't help it. Those of you out there with the raging hormones probably are familiar with TOTAL CRAZY HEAD and that's what I was experiencing. I think Steve was surprised at how upset I was but I also think it was probably good that I let him know (for my sake, at least) and I feel better. I feel much better this afternoon and only had one additional follow up crying session when I relayed the story again to Jason. Hopefully the crazies (in my head) will leave me alone for a while and hopefully tonight I will get some sleep.

You get what (you think) you want and you find out... It sucks.

Today is not good. A day of utter despair and crying-jag-littered emotional messiness. Iko gets worse and worse. We thought he was doing better but now? No eating, very very little water. Mostly sleeping/resting on our bed. It's like waiting for a clock to stop ticking. I am sad for that and other reasons...reasons that I wont' go into but are probably mostly constructed in my head and of things including (but not limited to) family, family visits, business, business partners, house/home, price of gas, NO ONE to talk to during the day amongst other things. *sigh* I'm ready to hit "start over" on today. (but only if the results were much, much different).

I'm having one of those afternoons. One where I don't know what to do with myself. I am lonely in my new office (only person in the building no less) and I'm feeling like I can't quite find my flow. I'm grateful for this opportunity and can't wait til things pick up but in the meantime I'm feeling ever so slightly....useless.. Hmph.