Naturally Optimistic

So last night I had plans with my friend Julie to go out for some wine & also to go to a preview of a play at the local Playhouse. Cheap date as Tuesdays are half price wine night & the play was free! Whohooo! Because the last time I left August (for one hour to go to the grocery store) was a disaster because August wouldn't take formula, I pumped for a couple of days to make a stockpile for Tuesday night. I wouldn't let him down this time! I met Julie around 6pm and by 6:45 my phone was ringing & I was receiving frantic texts about August freaking out. He started screaming around 6:07 (not that he was paying attention) & wouldn't stop. I was in the restaurant & couldn't hear so I didn't answer the phone but I knew how it would go. Once outside I called Steve & heard the mayhem in the background. Part of me just wanted him to figure it out & handle it but the other part of me knows how stressful it is & how non-stop screaming can make...

So I'm finally at the point where I feel like I have a little time to pump, plenty of milk so why not start freezing some for that futuristic night where I get to sleep all night & Steve can get up & feed August. I have some storage bags & a deep freezer but I've never done this. So, ladies - how much milk do you store in each bag? What's a good amount? I usually just have enough time to pump for a few minutes - about 3-4oz...the bags don't say how much they hold but are gradiated (is that the right word?) to 6oz. Does that seem like a good amount? I've never used frozen breast milk so don't know how it is when you thaw it etc. Any advice would be appreciated.

So August (aka Mr. Fussypants) has gone from being a totally mellow baby (first two weeks) to someone who's....not so mellow. Someone who's fussy & who toots (a lot); someone who isn't content to be held, rocked, swaddled, left alone, bounced, driven around in the car, etc. Yesterday he screamed, for several hours, until I nearly lost my head. Luckily I'm friends with my pediatrician & she'll answer my barrage of questions over Facebook. She suggested that perhaps he has a sensitivity to dairy. Argh! So, I'm trying to be dairy free (or WAAAAY less dairy) & we've switched him to some soy formula for when we supplement him. I *think* it might be helping - at least today he didn't scream the whole time I was driving to the grocery store, he was mellow IN the store & is currently napping. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE improvement to yesterday's situation. So we'll see. Sadly, I love cheese. All I can think about is how I can't EAT chee...

Well, yesterday marked 6 weeks. 6 weeks of Dahlia's life, 6 weeks of adjusting to parenthood, 6 weeks of stressing about breastfeeding.... I'm letting it go. I have given her what I can and now it's time to step back and not feel guilty about stopping it altogether. Between the nursing (where she's really just comfort sucking), the bottle feeding, the pumping and the stressing it was beginning to consume my life and I need to let it go. I need to not feel guilty about wanting to regain some sanity and some time. I am sad. This is something I really truly deeply wanted and it pains me but at the same time I know I cannot continue like this. I'm trying to make peace with myself and know that Dahlia got some good stuff from me and hopefully that will lay a good foundation for her for her whole life. I did what I could.

I'm so frustrated and sad after my appointment at the endocrinologist today. The nurse practitioner came in and said "I had my detectives working on you..." Huh? She said "I don't think you need to be here." I explained that I wanted to have my thyroid re-checked on the advice of the lactation nurses because of my low milk supply. I could tell right away that she thought that idea was wrong. In fact she even said she thought the other nurses were wrong. But after a little chatting she spoke with the endocrinologist who did confirm that he did a full check-up on me in November and that re-checking my thyroid would make sense. Even though the numbers were all in the *normal* levels. Apparently hyPER thyroid could cause supply problems; hyPO thyroid probably not. I have been at one time hyPER and my family is hyPO so who knows what I am. I am in tears because I thought this would be the answer. Get on a pill, start the hormones regulating and la-ti-dah I'm ...

I keep thinking that I am crazy because it takes me 2 hours in the middle of the night to feed my baby. Of course that includes: nursing, supplementing w/bottle (sometimes 2 bottles if my pumped breast milk is inadequate...ahem), changing her diaper, setting her up so she doesn't spit up every where (either holding her, burping her, putting her in the boppy, etc), pumping, cajoling infant back to sleep etc. I LONG for the days (nights) when I can just put her to breast, feed her and be done (well, plus the changing, propping up....). I am just so tired. Tomorrow AM is the dreaded 8:30 appointment - wish me luck! *sorry for being so thoroughly one-note lately...eventually (i hear!) I will get a semblance of my life back.

I am effectively on the post-baby roller coaster of emotions. It's insane and I know it's happening but sometimes get swept up in the ups and downs anyway. Today, for instance I have been at times pleasantly content and things are going smoothly and I can actually think about the future in a very positive light or I can be holding Miss Dahlia on the floor in the living room bawling my eyes out because clearly I am not a good enough mother to have such a precious little daughter. It's exhausting. The feeding thing continues to be a challenge. I'm coming up on my 4th day of Reglan and haven't seen an improvement in my milk supply. *sigh* I go in to the LC again tomorrow to have Dahlia weighed & checked out. She has been HUNGRY for days. I can nurse her, supplement her (with either breastmilk or formula and she will be HUNGRY - frantically HUNGRY again in an hour. I am hoping it's because of a growth spurt or something. I hate to see her so agitated all the tim...

I jinxed myself with that last post. After going to bed early last night and getting 4 HOURS IN A ROW of fabulous sleep, Miss Dahlia proceeded to be up for most of the night in a very unconsolable way. Wasn't food, swaddling, rocking, swaying, singing, pacifier, burping, changing or anything else I could think of. It was a long night. We finally just slept for about 30 minutes together in the glider...I'm hoping she sleeps for a little while longer so I can eat some breakfast and shake the sleepies from my brain... I did pump almost 3oz at 5:30 this morning though - whohoo!

weighing in at just above her birth weight - MISS DAHLIA MARIE! Yay! We had a successful appointment today at the breast feeding clinic and Dahlia is up to 6lbs 1.8oz! Yay! That is up from 5lbs 12oz last Friday. Whohooo! She has finally passed her birth weight and her cheeks are starting to fill out. The week after she was born (when we were effectively starving her) she was down to 5lbs 1oz! Scary. So this is a very good turn of events. Things I think are getting better with the whole feeding situation - she hasn't many supplements (either breast milk or formula) in the past few days (I actually have 3 pumped supplements ready & waiting - whohoo! 6 oz total - wow!) and she seems to be more satisfied in general. I started on Reglan today - hopefully that will increase milk production, let me stop pumping 4-5 times a day, fatten up Miss Dahlia and not make me go crazy with depression (one of the major side effects). We'll see how it goes. In the meantime I am happy that Dahl...