No One Said it Would Be Easy....

...and no one said it'd be this hard....

Day 2 - full day of daycare for Miss Dahlia. Dahlia & Mommy? Aren't doing that great.

She has been uber clingy since last week's adventures in Daycare...she only wants ME now which is a change from her previous status of only wanting DADDY. She's fine when I'm not around, but if I'm in & out of the room, have to run to the store, leave the room so Daddy can put her to bed, etc. then it's freak out time.

So, I knew today would be tough. We walked over to the center and went in with little to no fussing. As soon as I set her down though she started crying. I sat with her for a while and tried to get her distracted by a book or toy, didn't work. Finally the daycare teacher said "okay Dahlia, give Mommy a hug and then we'll go read a book." That didn't go over well, but I sort of got a hug..and HUGE tears (her not me). She quieted down pretty quickly, but by time I was walking down the block past the building, I could hear her again. *sigh* Then the tears started (mine not hers).

I just feel icky about this whole thing. I mean, YEAH I know that I can't keep working like this and expect to bring her with me. It's not stimulating for her, it's distracting for me AND she never gets to be outside. Somedays she's content to play by herself but other days she wants me to hold her the whole time.

I KNOW that she will get used to the other kids (right now she's VERY intimidated by the toddlers) and I KNOW that at some point she'll not be able to get there fast enough and not want to leave when I come and get her....but right now I just feel terrible.

I feel like - REALLY? You can't do the simple task of raising your own child for a few years? You're the one she (mentally) NEEDS right now and you walk away? All she wants to do is be with YOU and you leave her there with strangers?

I understand that some of my thoughts are irrational and some are purely guilt-driven but I can't help it.

I also can't help think that - gosh, our whole lives we get placed into a routine, a schedule a way to fit in...up until now Dahlia didn't have that...what a blessing! We did our own thing! We ran around and had no set schedule. We could fly with the wind.

And yet - don't kids THRIVE on routine? Couldn't this be the cause of her horrible sleeping patterns? (yes, possibly) On her delayed developmental milestones (walking)?

I fight this battle in myself every hour. I think of her sweet, blotchy, tear-stained face and my heart hurts.

I know it'll get easier. Just not today.