Anxiety
Today is one of those days. A day where I laid in bed before getting up with my mind racing with all the things I have to do and all the ways I'm failing at them in my life. Not just baby/parenting stuff but my business stuff, my household stuff (not cleaning - bills, upkeep etc), my wife stuff - it sucks. I feel completely immobilized and totally traumatized by all these THINGS that I need/should/want to be doing. I fear for my company because I have not been good at manning the helm. I miss time spent with my husband and although I know that will change it makes me worried. I have so much to do and can't seem to accomplish one single thing.
I think maybe if I were better disciplined I could do it. Or maybe if I were stronger and less whiny I could suck-it-up and get what needs to be done, done...but because I am captain of my own ship these days I just sit here in a whirlpool spinning round and round and not moving anywhere at all.
There are undelivered Christmas presents on my piano. There is paint on the kitchen cabinets that needs to be touched up (for almost 2 years...doh). There are two films in the can that no one will see until they're finished. There are hospital bills to be paid and checking accounts to be balanced (ay yi yi) and yet I sit here....
I feel like the loose ends are unraveling.
I think maybe if I were better disciplined I could do it. Or maybe if I were stronger and less whiny I could suck-it-up and get what needs to be done, done...but because I am captain of my own ship these days I just sit here in a whirlpool spinning round and round and not moving anywhere at all.
There are undelivered Christmas presents on my piano. There is paint on the kitchen cabinets that needs to be touched up (for almost 2 years...doh). There are two films in the can that no one will see until they're finished. There are hospital bills to be paid and checking accounts to be balanced (ay yi yi) and yet I sit here....
I feel like the loose ends are unraveling.
Comments
For me, the best thing to do is to write a list. I'm always hesitant to do it, because I'm afraid it will just stress me out more, but it never does. It gives me a sense of control to just have it all on paper. Sometimes I'll even time it out. Then I go through and rate them for urgency and importance, and focus on them that way. Some things may seem urgent, but they're not really important. Other things are important but won't seem urgent. Some things will be both - I do those first! I put everything on there - even little things like empty the dishwasher, wash towels. While that makes the list long, as I get the little things done I get a wonderful, empowering feeling that helps motivate me for the bigger stuff.
You are not a failure. You are a new mom. One that has spent more time than typical trying to nurse, etc., so naturally you are a bit behind. What has to be done will get done. It always does. What doesn't, can wait.
HUGS to you.
I'm going to take a camera around my house & car (& office) so you can see just how much I let slide. Honestly, it's why I don't let my mother in my house without 2 months' warning. I think the child advocacy groups would take my kids away from me if they could see our house sometimes!
I'm a firm believer in "you can do it all" - you just have to lower the bar in some areas of your life & you have to be ok to sometimes take a slower pace at things.
Do you have someone that could watch Dahlia for a day so you can go into the office by yourself & just knock out some stuff (including your bills)? Even a half a day of productivity might make you feel better?
Wish I were closer. I'm having inappropriate baby urges & could really use some newborn babysitting time!
prioritize what you NEED to get done and let the rest of the stuff slide. the house will still stand up even if it is dirty. the cupboards will still open if they have paint on them :)
you are doing just fine and post about this all you want! we're too far away and this way i feel like i can be here for you in some small fashion.
hugs to you.
And like Kate said, when Dahlia is a teenager, you won't remember that the checkbook didn't get balanced - you will remember sitting in a chair sniffing her head.