Ruminations on my Life

I'm sitting in the middle of a stressball. Not only am I trying to run a company (something I've never even thought of attempting before), I'm trying to get through production on a micro-budget film acting as the Produer, Editor, Cook, Extras Wrangler, and person-that-tries-to-keep-everyone-else-from-going-insane, I also am pregnant which doesn't add a whole lot of physical stress yet (although in a perfect world I would spend more time relaxing and NOT being stressed out than I currently am) (and the physical stress is to come) but emotionally it knocks me over the edge more often than I'd like to admit. So there's that. There's also the fact that I haven't had a weekend at home since......oh I don't know...May? I mean, I've been home but not really - more like running around and doing the cooking, lugging, hauling, driving, loading, unloading, grocery shopping for 50, setting up, taking down and trying to keep everyone calm stuff. So there's that. On top of that my husband is very unhappy with his current work situation and it keeps getting worse - they demand (much) more of him and yet pay him less and less. It requires use of his own car which requires use of his own gas, oil, maintenance, etc etc and the time to drive all over tarnation all the while not being compensated for it....which also sucks. (yes, he could and is trying to find another job). So there's that. There's also the fact that the garage door broke (again) during the night sometime last weekend so that when I came home at 2:30am I could not get into the garage; the lawn is like a jungle, the veggies are sadly growing because of lack of love and attention, the house projects from last winter are still barely started and no where near completed (and now! baby room! GAH) and what else? Oh our cat is dying, we're supposed to go on a TOTALLY not-in-the-budget trip to Sweden (what were we thinking?) in two weeks and I still don't have my f'ing passport and well, basically the sky feels as though it is falling.

About the film:

I am so pleased with our actors & musicians that we've been working with. Although I will probably NEVER work with this many musicians again, (okay, there are just a few people I will not work with again and never so many groups of people en masse again) I have met some incredible people and gotten to know a few that I knew before much better. I am impressed and yes, envious that they are in front of the camera and I am running around like a chicken with no head. In my heart I am not a producer. I am not a good producer, I hate confrontation, conflict, I don't like it when people are mad at me or yell at me and I am not a yeller, it's not in my nature and it leaves me sad, frustrated and upset at the end of (many) day(s). I love being creative & I love working with other creative people, but I'm just not cut out to be the "heavy" so to speak. I'm also overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do and the fact that it has been so incredibly difficult to get anyone to help us. People always say "if you need help on....whatever, let me know" and yet when we do need help they are not interested, too busy or don't return phone calls or emails. It's too much for 2 (or really 4 when you count our AD and camera operator/utility man) to do and I don't know where to turn for more support.

About the Baby:
Um, we're bringing in a human being into this world and yet feel totally incapable of such a task.....need I say more?

About finances:
Pooey. I am ready to live in a barter/trade society.

About time:
Not enough of it. Ever. (and this is pre-kid!)

About my passport:
F'ing government. I was supposed to get an email from them 7-10 days after I sent my inquiry (on June 25th) - you guessed it, I haven't heard a word.

So, I'm going to have a weekend....I am going to weed my garden, I am going to make some cards, I am going to watch a movie & a play, I am going to have a *fake* margarita and I'm going to try to destress.