Life vs. Film
It’s 9:02 am. In 12 hours it will all be over but now I have 10 hours to wait.
Gah.
I’m not really nervous, yet. I mean, I know I will be nervous so there is inherent anxiousness but it’s not really hitting me yet.
Ugh. Actually when I think about it I feel a bit of that yucky twinge. It’s going to be hard to not think about it as I’m writing this. Ha.
My background is in theatre. I am a theatre geek. I started in 6th grade and didn’t look back. My degree is in theatre – which has proved very helpful in my adult-office-career (hmph). I love theatre. I love performing, I love the emotion, the spectacle, the music, the drama, whatever. You get the idea.
I moved to Los Angeles in 1996 to pursue my acting career. It’s not where I wanted to go. I always envisioned myself in a touring production of the latest hot Broadway musical or doing regional theatre throughout the country or whatever. Instead I followed my boyfriend to LA. He was an actor too. LA sucks. In my opinion. I wasn’t tall enough, had big enough boobs, knew the right people enough, willing to sell my soul enough, etc to make it in LA. Perhaps I just wasn’t talented enough but it seemed at every turn they weren’t exactly looking for talent. I don’t know why this surprised me. I didn’t even want to do film. The theatre in LA was pathetic. Underwatched, boring, weird….(*I have some friends who have since started a kick a** theatre company which I SO WISH had been around when I was out there. *sigh*) I did one really strange, highly academic and weird show there….Anyway – so the switch was made to filmmaking.
The digital revolution was in full swing and everyone I knew was gearing up with mini-DV cams, lighting kits, Final Cut Pro and DVD Studio Pro. I was no different. I took classes in editing at AFI and more training at Promax training center (and spent craploads of money on cranes, dollies, etc in the process). I became a filmmaker.
My role throughout these films has been varied – producer, actor, craft services, grunt, accounting, location scout, agent, negotiator, finder-outer, insurance liason, etc. While I really enjoy the actual production part of things, I hate producing. I suck at it. I am, by nature, very non-confrontational. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I don’t want anyone to feel bad (least of all me!), I don’t want to step on any toes and I don’t want anyone to not like me. Lame? Yes. Weak? Perhaps. I just want to be more positive than that. I feel that life is too short to be always in a battle with someone.
Producers have lots of battles. I have fought some of them, shirked some of them and cried a lot. It has been uphill to say the least. I’ve grown in ways, become stronger, understood myself more and have a clearer idea of what I am really looking for out of life. My priorities have changed, I have different goals and I don’t feel quite as tied to what I always thought I would. Huh, go figure. I’m growing up.
So, where is this going? This turned out to be not at all what I thought it would be…ah well…I used to be really upset by the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be. But it has recently become very clear to me, as has the fact that I will never again where pants in the “juniors” department simply because “juniors” do not have hips and someone who is 30+ probably does and that’s okay, that it’s okay that I’m not where I thought I would be. I am somewhere that I love, with someone that I love and everything else is working out on its own.
I’ve worked on this film for 2 years and 10 months. I will probably work on it a bit longer. I’m very proud of it, it’s my baby, I’m protective as hell but it’s not THE ONLY THING in my life any more…and that is an amazing feeling.
I’m mostly proud of myself from accomplishing something, finding myself and discovering there’s more to life than what you think there is when you’re 25. I still have a ways to go but I do feel like I’m finding the right path.
So, 10 hours til the screening. Til I’m judged. Til I have a BIG glass of wine. Whatever happens happens. Perhaps people will love it. Perhaps they’ll hate it (I am guessing a mix of both). Maybe we’ll get into a big festival. Maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll sell it for $1 million dollars! Maybe we’ll give away copies to our friends for the next 5 Christmases….I don’t know. I do know that it’s time to let the bird fly free and whatever may be will be.
Gah.
I’m not really nervous, yet. I mean, I know I will be nervous so there is inherent anxiousness but it’s not really hitting me yet.
Ugh. Actually when I think about it I feel a bit of that yucky twinge. It’s going to be hard to not think about it as I’m writing this. Ha.
My background is in theatre. I am a theatre geek. I started in 6th grade and didn’t look back. My degree is in theatre – which has proved very helpful in my adult-office-career (hmph). I love theatre. I love performing, I love the emotion, the spectacle, the music, the drama, whatever. You get the idea.
I moved to Los Angeles in 1996 to pursue my acting career. It’s not where I wanted to go. I always envisioned myself in a touring production of the latest hot Broadway musical or doing regional theatre throughout the country or whatever. Instead I followed my boyfriend to LA. He was an actor too. LA sucks. In my opinion. I wasn’t tall enough, had big enough boobs, knew the right people enough, willing to sell my soul enough, etc to make it in LA. Perhaps I just wasn’t talented enough but it seemed at every turn they weren’t exactly looking for talent. I don’t know why this surprised me. I didn’t even want to do film. The theatre in LA was pathetic. Underwatched, boring, weird….(*I have some friends who have since started a kick a** theatre company which I SO WISH had been around when I was out there. *sigh*) I did one really strange, highly academic and weird show there….Anyway – so the switch was made to filmmaking.
The digital revolution was in full swing and everyone I knew was gearing up with mini-DV cams, lighting kits, Final Cut Pro and DVD Studio Pro. I was no different. I took classes in editing at AFI and more training at Promax training center (and spent craploads of money on cranes, dollies, etc in the process). I became a filmmaker.
My role throughout these films has been varied – producer, actor, craft services, grunt, accounting, location scout, agent, negotiator, finder-outer, insurance liason, etc. While I really enjoy the actual production part of things, I hate producing. I suck at it. I am, by nature, very non-confrontational. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I don’t want anyone to feel bad (least of all me!), I don’t want to step on any toes and I don’t want anyone to not like me. Lame? Yes. Weak? Perhaps. I just want to be more positive than that. I feel that life is too short to be always in a battle with someone.
Producers have lots of battles. I have fought some of them, shirked some of them and cried a lot. It has been uphill to say the least. I’ve grown in ways, become stronger, understood myself more and have a clearer idea of what I am really looking for out of life. My priorities have changed, I have different goals and I don’t feel quite as tied to what I always thought I would. Huh, go figure. I’m growing up.
So, where is this going? This turned out to be not at all what I thought it would be…ah well…I used to be really upset by the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be. But it has recently become very clear to me, as has the fact that I will never again where pants in the “juniors” department simply because “juniors” do not have hips and someone who is 30+ probably does and that’s okay, that it’s okay that I’m not where I thought I would be. I am somewhere that I love, with someone that I love and everything else is working out on its own.
I’ve worked on this film for 2 years and 10 months. I will probably work on it a bit longer. I’m very proud of it, it’s my baby, I’m protective as hell but it’s not THE ONLY THING in my life any more…and that is an amazing feeling.
I’m mostly proud of myself from accomplishing something, finding myself and discovering there’s more to life than what you think there is when you’re 25. I still have a ways to go but I do feel like I’m finding the right path.
So, 10 hours til the screening. Til I’m judged. Til I have a BIG glass of wine. Whatever happens happens. Perhaps people will love it. Perhaps they’ll hate it (I am guessing a mix of both). Maybe we’ll get into a big festival. Maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll sell it for $1 million dollars! Maybe we’ll give away copies to our friends for the next 5 Christmases….I don’t know. I do know that it’s time to let the bird fly free and whatever may be will be.
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