Not living up to my potential

I’m trying to stave it off. I swear to God. I’m trying.

I’m positive today. The sun in shining (sort of), the temps are good. The grass is sooooo green and our yard is looking fabulous after all the hard work this weekend. I’m wearing short sleeves and I’m not freezing! I’m not tired, hungry, my eyes don’t hurt, I’m not sneezing and have no sinus headache or weird hormonal rollercoaster to ride. But…it’s starting to not work. My incredible optimism is slipping. Thank goodness I only have 50 minutes to go.

I’m photocopying today. Yup. That’s it. Photocopying. Well, and refilling the copier with paper (because god forbid anyone else who works here should do it) and I did some shredding earlier. Shredding. And while I’m doing these less than mundane tasks I try try try to grin and bear it. I try to “accept my station in life” *puke* and that works for a while but then I start losing it.

<>I am a creative, smart, talented person. I have 4 year degree. I graduated magna cum laude. I’m a geek! I’m enthusiastic and like inspiring people. And yet every day I come and sit within the confines of gray-cubicle-land where I do things like COPY A MILLION G*DD*MN PAGES! (funny cause immediately after typing that I had to go re-fill the copier. Ah life!). My life was supposed to be different. If I think about it too much I start getting really sad so I try to only live on the edge of the memories of how I thought my life would be.

And when I say that – please know that I’m by no means unhappy. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. I have the pleasure (ahem) of living with two wonderful kitties, I have a cute little house (on which I can whittle away hours and hours on re-doing), I have a yard to play in, I have a nice car, I have a spectacular family and I have friends who love and need me…..I just mean, I’m supposed to be getting paid to do something I love. Something I’ve loved since I was about…. 2 years old! But I screwed up. I screwed up my 20’s and they’re gone and now I have this. I have a dayjob which I don’t hate but certainly don’t love. I have bills – mountains of bills from failed attempts at making myself a creative career (and still working on that). I have regret. I hate to say it but I think it’s true. God, I said I’d never utter those words but….

So, even though all this is rattling around in my brain…I am a believer of “if I didn’t do x, y, z, I wouldn’t be where I am now and therefore wouldn’t have necessarily met Steve, met my friends, etc etc”…..ACK. The ultimate conundrum. I don’t even know if that’s the right word…. Anyway – I guess sometimes I just need to vent and therefore….well, if you’re still here you already know.

Gotta do something. Gotta figure it out soon. I’m not getting any younger.