Light at the End of the Tunnel
In the beginning there is only an idea. A thought. A burbling up of unconscious naggings in the brain. “you should write that, shoot this, make it…” In the beginning the slate is clean, the pockets full (or at least not as empty as at the end), your brain is refreshed, the creative juices are flowing and you are ready to go.
Like everything else in life…things change.
We are now in month 18 of the fledgling film project entitled Newton’s Disease. Yep. 18 months. 18 months of planning, auditioning, stressing, begging for money, spending, planning some more, shooting, editing, stressing, auditioning more, more begging, crying, laughing, meeting incredible people, wanting to strangle (some) of said incredible people, editing, editing, editing and sitting down at the end of each day exhausted.
Exhausted by the fact that that no matter how much you care about this project, it won’t make other people see it through your eyes. No matter how much you love it, caress it, cajole it, entice it – it will be a stubborn bitch and make you work your ass off for it. No one will ever care about it as much as you do. Ever. They might like it. Become intrigued, want to see more, hear horror stories and share daydreams about where it might take you…but they won’t stress about it like you will. They won’t live it.
So that’s where I’m at. I’ve been working on an independent feature film for 18 months. Our investors are scarce and most of the financing has come out of my & the director’s pockets. We’re broke. I’m just now (well, by next October) paying off one of my loans for the first film I produced back in 1999. It’s a weight I’ve carried for 5 years and I can’t let it go yet and it sucks. But I love this film. I have come to love the characters and love how the characters have changed from being a collection of words and ideas on paper into fully developed 3-D things in front of my very eyes. The creative process has been amazing. The things that you are adamant about in your head during pre-production simply break apart and fall away when you’re faced with realities of the situation. That can be good and it can be bad… I can still picture the characters as I had drawn them in my head. They seem like long-lost relatives of the actors inhabiting the characters on screen. It is something totally intangible yet amazing and incredible to see.
I trust my director completely. He also wrote & is producing as well. He makes good decisions (most of the time) and really fights for what he wants. He’s as stubborn as an ass and can really get under my skin but I’ve learned to fight only the important battles and let everything else go. Otherwise it’s WAY too much tension for the confrontational-hating-editor/actor. We slogging through. We have only a few days left. The light is there…just on the other side of next Thursday….I can see it. I can actually see it!!
So now we’re at the end. The mountain has been scaled. We’ve only lost a few non-important appendages in the process and no one has died or been left on the trail so that is a good thing. It’s been close at times. We’ve had our share of heartaches and impossible situations to overcome. But we’ve made some great friendships, grown artistically and learned more than film school could ever teach us (again).
Why am I writing this? Well, I feel that there will be a series of adieus yet to come. This has consumed much of my free time for the past 18 months. It’s bittersweet. Mostly sweet right now because I am burnt out. I am sick of going every night after work to sit inside and edit – staring at a computer screen for way too many hours every day. But there’s something sad about finishing a project too. Lord knows I’m not there yet, but when it comes I know a giant emotional letdown is headed my way. In the past 18 months, camping trips have gone to the wayside, family gatherings have been missed, scrapbooking days with my sister have been constantly postponed. I have given this project a lot of me over the past year and I’m about to drive the final push and see what happens. And yes, it will be nice to get that part of me back again.
We will submit to Sundance next week. It is a LONGSHOT and we both know this. But it is something that we have to do. The film will be rough. There will be temp tracks of music and some of the scenes will still need to be massaged into place. The audio will need to be mixed and the ending will need to be cut (we’ll be inserting a shot of said director explaining the last few minutes – a 6 camera feast for the eyes that we’re just not going to get to….). We probably won’t make the festival. There are only 16 spots open for American narrative feature length film competition. Sixteen. Out of thousands. I’m going to say we won’t be getting into competition. There are other showcases – the Americana showcase, the midnight screenings….obviously we’d gladly show the film at 3am in a barn if people would come and watch it…but the important thing right now is the goal is within reach. The goal of shooting a feature film and submitting it to Sundance in my 31st year of life (well, technically 32nd year I guess…) is about to be reached.
And then I ask…..
What will I do then?
Like everything else in life…things change.
We are now in month 18 of the fledgling film project entitled Newton’s Disease. Yep. 18 months. 18 months of planning, auditioning, stressing, begging for money, spending, planning some more, shooting, editing, stressing, auditioning more, more begging, crying, laughing, meeting incredible people, wanting to strangle (some) of said incredible people, editing, editing, editing and sitting down at the end of each day exhausted.
Exhausted by the fact that that no matter how much you care about this project, it won’t make other people see it through your eyes. No matter how much you love it, caress it, cajole it, entice it – it will be a stubborn bitch and make you work your ass off for it. No one will ever care about it as much as you do. Ever. They might like it. Become intrigued, want to see more, hear horror stories and share daydreams about where it might take you…but they won’t stress about it like you will. They won’t live it.
So that’s where I’m at. I’ve been working on an independent feature film for 18 months. Our investors are scarce and most of the financing has come out of my & the director’s pockets. We’re broke. I’m just now (well, by next October) paying off one of my loans for the first film I produced back in 1999. It’s a weight I’ve carried for 5 years and I can’t let it go yet and it sucks. But I love this film. I have come to love the characters and love how the characters have changed from being a collection of words and ideas on paper into fully developed 3-D things in front of my very eyes. The creative process has been amazing. The things that you are adamant about in your head during pre-production simply break apart and fall away when you’re faced with realities of the situation. That can be good and it can be bad… I can still picture the characters as I had drawn them in my head. They seem like long-lost relatives of the actors inhabiting the characters on screen. It is something totally intangible yet amazing and incredible to see.
I trust my director completely. He also wrote & is producing as well. He makes good decisions (most of the time) and really fights for what he wants. He’s as stubborn as an ass and can really get under my skin but I’ve learned to fight only the important battles and let everything else go. Otherwise it’s WAY too much tension for the confrontational-hating-editor/actor. We slogging through. We have only a few days left. The light is there…just on the other side of next Thursday….I can see it. I can actually see it!!
So now we’re at the end. The mountain has been scaled. We’ve only lost a few non-important appendages in the process and no one has died or been left on the trail so that is a good thing. It’s been close at times. We’ve had our share of heartaches and impossible situations to overcome. But we’ve made some great friendships, grown artistically and learned more than film school could ever teach us (again).
Why am I writing this? Well, I feel that there will be a series of adieus yet to come. This has consumed much of my free time for the past 18 months. It’s bittersweet. Mostly sweet right now because I am burnt out. I am sick of going every night after work to sit inside and edit – staring at a computer screen for way too many hours every day. But there’s something sad about finishing a project too. Lord knows I’m not there yet, but when it comes I know a giant emotional letdown is headed my way. In the past 18 months, camping trips have gone to the wayside, family gatherings have been missed, scrapbooking days with my sister have been constantly postponed. I have given this project a lot of me over the past year and I’m about to drive the final push and see what happens. And yes, it will be nice to get that part of me back again.
We will submit to Sundance next week. It is a LONGSHOT and we both know this. But it is something that we have to do. The film will be rough. There will be temp tracks of music and some of the scenes will still need to be massaged into place. The audio will need to be mixed and the ending will need to be cut (we’ll be inserting a shot of said director explaining the last few minutes – a 6 camera feast for the eyes that we’re just not going to get to….). We probably won’t make the festival. There are only 16 spots open for American narrative feature length film competition. Sixteen. Out of thousands. I’m going to say we won’t be getting into competition. There are other showcases – the Americana showcase, the midnight screenings….obviously we’d gladly show the film at 3am in a barn if people would come and watch it…but the important thing right now is the goal is within reach. The goal of shooting a feature film and submitting it to Sundance in my 31st year of life (well, technically 32nd year I guess…) is about to be reached.
And then I ask…..
What will I do then?
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