Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Cabin Fever

We had a temperature drop of 60 degrees the other day. From midnight to 6am. 60 DEGREES! It went from 40 to -20 in 6 hours. YUCK. No wonder we have ice on the INSIDE of our windows. Ah old houses with crappy windows & no insulation. I'm going to be spending Dahlia's college fund just to heat the place! Ugh.

I'm going slightly nuts as we haven't really been able to get out the past couple of days. I need some adult conversation, change of scenery & stimulation. I'm hoping tomorrow the weather will be better but it doesn't sound like it will be *MUCH* better. I long for the days when I can take her for a stroller ride around the block. Something - anything! Different! I'm going nuts here!

We did pop out briefly tonight to visit Steve's Great Aunt at a hospice house here in Duluth. It thrilled her that we stopped to visit and that makes me feel warm & fuzzy inside - even if it was only -10 outside.

Tomorrow I have a work meeting (at a bar! nice!) and hopefully will get out to run some errands during the day...the monotony of a newborn + January is getting to me...can you tell?!?!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Early Valentine

In her new Valentine's Bib from Auntie Kathy & Uncle Jay


Mom & Dad with Dahlia


Chillin' in her new bouncy seat



And also chillin' in her new swing - we love options!

Grandparents ROCK

This past weekend was great. My folks got into town around noonish on Friday and came over. My Mom brought FOOD! and supplies! It was awesome. Friday afternoon my Mom & I ran some errands while Dahlia & Grandpa hung out at the house. That night my Mom cooked us enchiladas for dinner while I napped (!) (well, I tried to nap...). Saturday they came over again and watched the little Miss while Steve & I went skiing! I went skiing! I got outside & raised my heart rate & breathed fresh air - awesome! The trail (Piedmont) was in stellar condition and it was a lot of fun. I did wipe out once quite nicely though - doh. While we were gone my Mom dusted (!!) the living & dining room and cleaned the microwave (my microwave is always not clean enough for my Mom!). That evening she cooked again - spaghetti pizza while Steve put together our new shelves in the basement and my Dad was on Dahlia time. Oh I forgot - before dinner my Mom & I went shopping. I got some new NON MATERNITY clothes and supplies from Target. It's so easy to run errands when you're not toting a small human with you. :)

That night we met Chris & Michelle for a drink. I was so exhausted though that it wasn't a great night for me. Plus I got all emotional & teary when Steve & I started talking about my decision to stop with the breastfeeding. I probably should've just stayed in and gone to bed but it's hard to pass up the chance to hang out with friends when you have willing & able Grandparents to babysit sitting at your house! I had my first beer since May.

Sunday the Grandparents came again and my Dad worked on putting a threshold thingy in between our dining room & kitchen, Steve finished the shelving unit and Mom & I hung out with Dahlia. Dahlia got spoiled - a couple new books, a Valentine's bib (from the triplets) and a new outfit. My Mom brought MORE (!) food and we had sloppy joes for lunch. Then they left and I was sooooo very sad. My parents rock. They just do.

That afternoon Michelle & Chris stopped over and held the baby for a couple hours. Michelle's got the baby-fever bad!! I say - come on over at 4am and take a shift for me. :) Then they left...and I was sad. :(

Dahlia now has options! Grandma & Grandpa brought up a swing and a bouncy seat on loan from the triplets. It's so great to have another thing to do, a place to put her - I love having options. (crap - just remembered I left the vibration thingy on her bouncy seat...doh!).

She hasn't been the best to us in the middle of the night - I don't know why but getting her back down to sleep is very very difficult. We're trying different things - but it's been tough on both Steve & I. Hopefully things will start to settle down soon because Mama could use some sleep. Seriously.

More pics to come...have to get them off the camera first but now it's the Queen's lunchtime. :)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Letting it Go

Well, yesterday marked 6 weeks. 6 weeks of Dahlia's life, 6 weeks of adjusting to parenthood, 6 weeks of stressing about breastfeeding....

I'm letting it go.

I have given her what I can and now it's time to step back and not feel guilty about stopping it altogether. Between the nursing (where she's really just comfort sucking), the bottle feeding, the pumping and the stressing it was beginning to consume my life and I need to let it go.

I need to not feel guilty about wanting to regain some sanity and some time.

I am sad. This is something I really truly deeply wanted and it pains me but at the same time I know I cannot continue like this. I'm trying to make peace with myself and know that Dahlia got some good stuff from me and hopefully that will lay a good foundation for her for her whole life. I did what I could.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Grandparents!

My folks are coming into town today and I'M SO EXCITED! The possibilities are endless. I could...take an uninterrupted nap! I could run errands and not worry about dragging Miss Dahlia through the cold; I could go for a walk; go to a movie; go out to lunch with my Mom; drink a glass of wine mid-afternoon (well, maybe not); clean the bathroom; finish my laundry!

I just wish they could stay forever.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Comparison: 39 days


Visitors

Last night we had some visitors.

Chevra & Candice - both lovely ladies who I used to work with at Michelina's, stopped by to meet Dahlia. Dahlia was on her best behavior and even got dressed in a new outfit for her company. Well, she got dressed in her "going home from the hospital" outfit which now fits her a little better (I'll post comparison shots).

Then my friend Tanya stopped by as her daughter was at ballet a block away from my house. It was nice to have some company - especially since Steve was at a meeting. Little breaks in my day mean the world to me.

Today we were supposed to run some errands...however it is -16 right now and that just seems a little cold to take her out in. Hmph.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Someday...

I'll blog about something other than Dahlia, my lack of sleep or well, something other than those two.

Until then...

last night was tough. The Little Miss didn't want to settle down after her 2am feeding. Steve finally gave up and left her to fuss w/her rainfall soother on but that didn't help. I ended up pulling her into bed with me around 3:45 or so so I could just put her nuk back in her mouth if she started fussing without having to give up. I'm sure all of those above statements constitute bad parenting. Ah well - we live and learn. We finally got some sleep this morning for an hour or so after Steve went to work. I felt bad for him. Out snowshoeing through deep snow in frigid cold off trail all day yesterday (working) and then up for most of the night.

Today's been up & down mentally. Sometimes I dig it - sometimes I hate it. I go back and forth. I did manage a shower, to throw in laundry and eat 1/2 a lunch. haha. Dahlia's in her "peanut shell" sling right now and starting to let me know she'd like to eat...so I guess it's time to go.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Office Day

We are at the office today! Just for a little bit. I am a paranoid new momma with a very spitty-uppy-mini-baby and wanted to take her to the clinic to get weighed. (she weighs in now at 7lbs 1oz!!!! that's an ounce a day since last week - yay!!!!) She is also 20 3/4" 'tall' - whohooo!. Anyway - since the clinic parking ramp is where I will park when I'm "working" with her and since the stroller for the infant seat finally came and I put it together today and since I'm trying to DO THINGS to get out of the house as to not lose my mind.....I decided to come to work! The parking/stroller/skywalk situation works great - even when it's chilly out. I can enter the skywalk very close to where I park, go through the Sheraton and then only have to cross the street (twice, my building is kitty-corner) and voila! I'm inside again. It wasn't too bad now that it "warmed up" today.

So, we showed Miss Dahlia off to the ladies that were in the building. We checked the mail (apparently Jason didn't check the mail for the past 6 weeks) and opened all of it (ugh!) and found a bill that's overdue (doh) and now we're surfing the net before we bundle up and head on home. It's almost lunchtime. I should've brought the necessary equipment with me and we could've stayed longer but...at least we got out. At least we tried something new. Hopefully it will make this day go by quicker until DADDDY COMES HOME! (our favorite time of the day...).

In other news...I'm feeling a bit better. I think Sunday was a low low low day for me. The lowest? I cannot say but I feel like maybe, just maybe a corner has been turned. I don't know if it's due to timing, stopping the Rx or just simply talking about how I feel to anyone & everyone that made a difference but whatever. I'll go with it. I'm sure I'll have my moments and I'm on WATCH for myself to make sure that I'm ok but the past two days (well, including today thus far) have been better. Steve got up with her the entire night on Sunday (he had yesterday off for MLK Day) and I was amazed at what a full night (sort of) of sleep will do. He also decided that he needs to help out more so has agreed to do the 2am feeding alone nightly. I think I hear the heaven's open and choirs of angels sing. It's amazing. I was still up a lot last night but I did get a solid chunk of 4 hours or so which was heavenly. I still have a lot to work through but hopefully we'll get there sooner rather than later. Thank you everyone for your kind words, advice and happy vibes. I need them (please don't stop them yet!).

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Goodbye Reglan

I'm stopping the Reglan. I think it is making me depressed and it is not helping to increase my milk supply. It's also doing funky things to my GI tract which is lame so I'm done. I might try fenugreek again, or I might not. We'll see.

I hope (?) that it's the Reglan making me depressed and that will go away. I feel that I'm exhibiting all the characteristics of depression (loss of appetite, malaise, not connecting with my baby as I should be, sadness) and it's scary. I want it to go away. I want to be filled with rainbows and butterflies and all the good stuff that comes with a new baby.

This is scary and I don't like it one bit.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Gratuitous Photo of my Baby



...just because (5 weeks today!)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I knitted 8 rows last night!

Amazing but true. Steve, Dahlia & I went next door to Dustin & Anna's (hi Anna!) for this month's edition of Stitch & Bitch. There were lots of ladies there and a few gents too and it was fantabulous to get out of the house, converse with adults, drink a glass of wine (oh how I love the wildflower) and knit. I thought surely I had forgotten how. We were only there for a couple hours at most but it was great. Dahlia was perfectly behaved and it was great to get out of the house.

Also yesterday my friend Julie from my college days stopped by. She's a Mom too and has been helping me via IM cope with some of my mothering issues. She brought a cute blanket & socks for Dahlia and a bag of snacks (mostly containing oatmeal - it's supposed to increase milk supply!) for me. It was great to have a break in the day too.

Today has been quieter but I did get to take a nap which was fabulous. I also threw in a load of laundry & beef stew into the crockpot. I'm still out of sorts and trying to figure my head out amidst all this NEW stuff but hopefully I will without totally losing it. More sleep would definitely help.

I think the Zantac is helping Dahlia - let's hope so.

Oh! and the fabulous Donna sent a boxful of adorable clothes for Dahlia! She is going to be one fashionable kid!! (Way more than her Mama anyway!!) THANK YOU, Donna!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Appointment Update

The appointments went fine yesterday.

My 4-week PP appt was not all that exciting except (TMI for some) still dealing with a stubborn stitch and some swelling. Dang. I was hoping everything was done and over with down there. Nope. *sigh*

2-hour Glucose Test was a pain in my ass. I better pass it!!

Dahlia's appointment was fine - they prescribed her some some Zantac which we started giving her last night. Not sure if it's working or not yet but we'll see. I hope so! She now weighs 6lbs 10oz which still lands her at the bottom of the curve but I'm glad she's gaining! That's one of the big stressors for me right now!

Got a little more sleep last night...mostly while nursing her - we'd both fall asleep and wake up a LOT later. Duh...wish I could be laying down for that! (and no the laying down nursing position doesn't work too well for us...we tried! dang).

Hey I Made the Paper Today

Check it out.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

2:35am

Been up since 2:35am...

this is going to be a great day.

Monday, January 14, 2008

ONE MONTH!


Time flies, eh? (well, somedays....)

The little Miss is one-month today. She wasn't really in the mood for a photo shoot but I got a couple shots off before the screaming commenced.



Tomorrow we have appointments! I have my 4-week postpartum appointment + 2 hour glucose tolerance test and Dahlia is going in to get weighed and to be checked out for reflux. I have a feeling there's a reason why we have a mostly agitated baby these days.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Some Good Things

Thank you all for your comments yesterday. Obviously I was having a moment (a week?)...I'm not sure that it's over but I'm trying to dig deep and find some perspective. It's a lot easier to do when Steve's around. I dread the fact that tomorrow is Monday and he will be back at work. Pooh.

Good things:

* I wore my pre-pregnancy Levi's yesterday (and today)! Whohoo!

* Steve & I left Dahlia with Grandma B and took a hike for a couple of hours yesterday. It was heavenly.

* I pumped my record breastmilk yesterday - 235 (I think) mils. (although today has been very low. Hmph).

Thanks for your good wishes & hugs from a far. I can sure use them. I agree with Sarah - they should really teach you more about what to do AFTER the baby comes than delivery/labor (okay, that's important too)...it's much scarier though afterwards!!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Addendum

And no, I'm not completely crazy...yet.

I have a beautiful baby daughter who is incredibly precious to me. I have a husband who is kind and loving and man do I love weekends when he's home.

I am grateful for many things...I'm just a bit stressed out right now.

Deep Dark Nasty Secret

Sometimes I hate my new life.

Am I a terrible person?

Friday, January 11, 2008

No Help There

I'm so frustrated and sad after my appointment at the endocrinologist today. The nurse practitioner came in and said "I had my detectives working on you..." Huh? She said "I don't think you need to be here."

I explained that I wanted to have my thyroid re-checked on the advice of the lactation nurses because of my low milk supply.

I could tell right away that she thought that idea was wrong. In fact she even said she thought the other nurses were wrong.

But after a little chatting she spoke with the endocrinologist who did confirm that he did a full check-up on me in November and that re-checking my thyroid would make sense. Even though the numbers were all in the *normal* levels.

Apparently hyPER thyroid could cause supply problems; hyPO thyroid probably not. I have been at one time hyPER and my family is hyPO so who knows what I am.

I am in tears because I thought this would be the answer. Get on a pill, start the hormones regulating and la-ti-dah I'm off and running.

Not so much.

I did have labs done and will find out this afternoon the results. I'm sure it will yield nothing. *sigh* Not that I WANT a thyroid condition, I just want some answers and solutions to the milk problem.

And no, I don't think it helps that one of Reglan's side effects is depression. Genius move prescribing that to new mothers who are having nursing troubles. Ay yi yi.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Why does it take so long?*

I keep thinking that I am crazy because it takes me 2 hours in the middle of the night to feed my baby. Of course that includes: nursing, supplementing w/bottle (sometimes 2 bottles if my pumped breast milk is inadequate...ahem), changing her diaper, setting her up so she doesn't spit up every where (either holding her, burping her, putting her in the boppy, etc), pumping, cajoling infant back to sleep etc.

I LONG for the days (nights) when I can just put her to breast, feed her and be done (well, plus the changing, propping up....). I am just so tired.

Tomorrow AM is the dreaded 8:30 appointment - wish me luck!



*sorry for being so thoroughly one-note lately...eventually (i hear!) I will get a semblance of my life back.

8:30am

Well, the boppy thing isn't working as well today - but we'll keep trying. I think it does help her spitting up and maybe it'll continue to help calm her a bit we'll see.

I am dreading an 8:30am doctor's appointment tomorrow. Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine how we will get out of the house before that time and be coherent enough to make sense to drive a car, get registered etc. Ugh. Dread dread dread.

Last night, for instance, she went to sleep BEAUTIFULLY. Around 10pm or so - which meant that Mom & Dad got a little snuggle time (that's not TMI, btw) and I got about 3 hours of sleep before she got up. Then I was up from 1:15 til 3:15 doing the whole feeding, bottle feeding, pumping, calming dance (2 hours! Ugh)...and then up again at 4:15 to repeat the whole deal after an unfortunate spit-up-through-the-nose routine. I finally got her to bed around 6am and then got to sleep til about 8:30 which was heavenly. However if that pattern repeats tonight, I don't know how we'll possibly make it to the doc's office. *sigh*

Did I mention I'm tired??!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Dahlia meet Boppy



I got the boppy pillow at my shower from my friend Sarah and I love it - but I didn't realize HOW MUCH I loved it til today. Seems that all that talk about reflux & spitting up make sense - if you prop your baby up (in a swing, bouncy or boppy) the spitting up is SO MUCH LESS.



I feel as though a small milestone was reached...(even if it's temporary don't rain on my parade! Small victories, people!!)

Monday, January 07, 2008

Dahlia


Isn't this beautiful?

Roller. Coaster.


I am effectively on the post-baby roller coaster of emotions. It's insane and I know it's happening but sometimes get swept up in the ups and downs anyway. Today, for instance I have been at times pleasantly content and things are going smoothly and I can actually think about the future in a very positive light or I can be holding Miss Dahlia on the floor in the living room bawling my eyes out because clearly I am not a good enough mother to have such a precious little daughter.

It's exhausting.

The feeding thing continues to be a challenge. I'm coming up on my 4th day of Reglan and haven't seen an improvement in my milk supply. *sigh* I go in to the LC again tomorrow to have Dahlia weighed & checked out. She has been HUNGRY for days. I can nurse her, supplement her (with either breastmilk or formula and she will be HUNGRY - frantically HUNGRY again in an hour. I am hoping it's because of a growth spurt or something. I hate to see her so agitated all the time. The only thing that calms her (after we check all the other usual suspects - diaper, position, burping, temperature level, boredom, etc) is to eat another ounce. *sigh* Maybe this is good? Okay? I don't know. (that's the thing...so much UNKNOWN). Anyway - clearly my feelings of self-inadequacy are not going anywhere until I a) get some more damn milk or b) come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to get any more milk. I am going back to the endocrinologist on Friday to have my thyroid re-checked (as apparently this can mess with your milk production and I was *borderline* before) and I also have the business card of an accupuncturist (apparently the Chinese believe accupuncture can increase milk supply). Those are the last two things I can think of.

In other news - we traveled to Eveleth yesterday to visit Steve's Great-Aunt Marian. It was her wish (her "life's wish") to see Steve hold his daughter...and she's not in the best of health these days (not "sick" but dying of cancer...does that make sense?) so we wanted to make sure that Marian got to meet Dahlia. Dahlia did very good on the hour long car ride - made nary a peep and was a fairly polite guest until she dropped a very LOUD load while Marian was holding her. Ah well, she gets that from her father.

Due Date!



Today, January 7th, was a day I have looked forward to for many weeks (40 actually). Of course the little one had plans of her own. It's strange to think back how excited I was for a date and now how little significance it holds.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Jinxed

I jinxed myself with that last post.

After going to bed early last night and getting 4 HOURS IN A ROW of fabulous sleep, Miss Dahlia proceeded to be up for most of the night in a very unconsolable way. Wasn't food, swaddling, rocking, swaying, singing, pacifier, burping, changing or anything else I could think of. It was a long night.

We finally just slept for about 30 minutes together in the glider...I'm hoping she sleeps for a little while longer so I can eat some breakfast and shake the sleepies from my brain...

I did pump almost 3oz at 5:30 this morning though - whohoo!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

And in this corner....

weighing in at just above her birth weight - MISS DAHLIA MARIE!

Yay! We had a successful appointment today at the breast feeding clinic and Dahlia is up to 6lbs 1.8oz! Yay! That is up from 5lbs 12oz last Friday. Whohooo! She has finally passed her birth weight and her cheeks are starting to fill out.

The week after she was born (when we were effectively starving her) she was down to 5lbs 1oz! Scary. So this is a very good turn of events. Things I think are getting better with the whole feeding situation - she hasn't many supplements (either breast milk or formula) in the past few days (I actually have 3 pumped supplements ready & waiting - whohoo! 6 oz total - wow!) and she seems to be more satisfied in general. I started on Reglan today - hopefully that will increase milk production, let me stop pumping 4-5 times a day, fatten up Miss Dahlia and not make me go crazy with depression (one of the major side effects). We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime I am happy that Dahlia is on the right track.

Happy New Year (with Pics!)

Little Miss Dahlia in a preemie outfit borrowed from her cousins!


Grandma & Grandpa R with Dahlia.


Me & Dahlia at the changing table.


Dahlia says HAPPY NEW YEAR! On her new quilt from Great Aunt Ronnelle.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year!

So, some New Year's Updates....

My folks were in town from Sunday through this morning. It was nice to have them here. They are madly in love with Miss Dahlia so they enjoy spending lots of times just holding her and cooing over her. My Dad sort of turned into "Super-Grandpa" after the birth of the triplets, and Dahlia is getting the same treatment.

Monday Steve went back to work (boo hoo) so I hung out with the little Boss and my parents. That afternoon my Dad & I made a Target & Cub run - the first time I left the house since Friday!! (weird). Monday night we had a NYE dinner (my Mom made wild rice soup) and we opened Christmas presents which was fun. After that Steve & I went out! Alone! Together! We had some Sammy's Pizza and then stopped by Sir Ben's for a couple of pints (well, I had one pint - I was soooooooooo tired). We were home by 11:45 - just in time to celebrate with the little one.

Yesterday we had our "Fake-Christmas-Day-Dinner" with my parents. Smoked turkey,
cheesy potatoes, green bean casserole, champagne & peaches-and-cream pie. It was delicious (and exactly what we're having tonight for dinner! ha! Steve & I also got out of the house for a hike - up Chester Creek. Man am I out of shape!! It was good to breathe some fresh air though and get some exercise.

The milk production is still pitiful. *sigh* I am pumping every other time and sometimes I think it's getting better (70 mils!) but then I go back to have a couple 45's & 50's in a row. Pooh. I am meeting the Lactation Consultant again tomorrow and will probably go on Reglan to see if that helps. I'm nervous because one of the main side effects is *depression* and although I have never really dealt with that before with myself, I'm afraid that coupled with the crazy hormones and potential baby blues that there could be some fallout. I hope not. I just want to get production up!

Dahlia is such a sweetheart. She usually treats us very well and sleeps for a couple hours at a time so I can get some sleep at night - it's the hardest right away when I want to go to bed (10 or 11) as she's fussy and the feedings takes HOURS at that time. I still dread the nighttimes but I am hoping that we're getting better and the more she eats, the bigger she'll grow and the easier things'll get.

I'm still out of sorts with the whole motherhood thing. I can't believe this is my life. This is what I do every day (at least for now) and I'm trying to find time to cherish it. It's easy for me to get antsy and worry about the other things (house, work) that I'm not getting done. Then I feel guilty because I should just be concentrating on the little one. Vicious cycle.

Today my parents are gone and Steve's at work and it's COLD so I think we will just stay inside all day. I see a nap in my future. I haven't been able to "sleep when the baby sleeps" much (at all) because it's been so busy with Christmas & visitors and everything. Napping sounds really great right now though...I may just indulge....

**Oh and supposedly the Gestational Diabetes is gone...although I don't get checked again til the end of the month. Thank god I don't have to eat that diet right now because quite frankly I am finding it hard to find time to each much of anything at all! I am enjoying indulging in things like potatoes & pie though. :) My 6 week check up (for me) is scheduled for 1pm and I'm supposed to come fasting....um, that's not going to happen...I must change that appointment...oh and can I nurse while in the middle of a 2-hour glucose tolerance test or will that screw things up??

Dahlia calls!! I must go!